Another Instalment From Carrie Brazen’s Diary And The East End Cockneys

This article is pure fiction and for your amusement. Any resemblance to real life situations or characters, alive or dead is purely incidental.

I am sure it is just a coincidence that Karen Brady’s entertaining diary is absent from Saturday’s Sun. Nothing to do with the fact that she has just taken part in a meeting that has left Sam Allardyce dangling in the wind, waiting to hear if he has a future at West Ham.

By pure coincidence, I have stumbled across another instalment of Carrie Brazen’s Diary on the web. You will recall she is the commercial director of East End Cockneys, the famous London Football club.

Carrie Brazen’s Diary

Friday

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We have certainly turned around the fortunes of this club since we bought it a couple of seasons ago. We have had to make some tough decisions but they have proved to be the right ones. We sacked the little Italian with the lovable personality, who had the team playing silky attacking football, because he couldn’t accumulate enough points to keep us in the Premiumship. Platinum Dave and David Rumpybum are objective businessmen who had the sense to put romantic dreams of fantasy football to one side and took on Sam Throwofthedyce who has proved time and time again that has what it takes to get teams promoted on a shoestring and keep them in the Premiumship. Sam has done just that for us. It shows that we know and understand the business of football. We stuck by him at Christmas when other clubs were sacking their managers and employing fancy-dan foreigners with a tiki-taki football style. Even when what he described as a minority of our fans were calling for his head over the route one football. He reminded us that there was no such thing as an East End Cockneys style unless it was playing pretty football and losing. He proudly stuck his chest out on the touchline; chewing gum with his mouth open and gobbing it out in the technical area. A real footballing man’s man.

Saturday

A check of the internet survey of fans’ views shows that the “minority” against Sam’s style of play is in fact 72%. Sam’s team has ground out enough results recently to ensure we were safe before the last weekend of the season but. He has kept us up again but we have just had another run where we lost 4 on the trot. That’s with our England centre forward back in the team. We finished the season with a nil-nil draw against Norfolk No-Hopers. Platinum Dave is not happy, despite the fact that we are guaranteed over £80 million in TV money next season. He tells me he wants Throwofthedyce out because he will not play in the famous East End Cockney style.

I’ve been a bit concerned about Dave. Since he sold West Midland Blues and returned to London his cockney persona seems to be taking him over. He keeps saying that fings ain’t wot they used to be and “luvlee jubberly”. He reminisces about the old days on Brick Lane when Granddad Fagin used to send him up chimlees to earn his pocket money. He tells me to tell Sam to attend a meeting on Monday at 11am at his country mansion.

Monday

Well that was an experience! Platinum Dave answered the door in his Pearly King outfit and led me through to the dining room. I think he thought it would be a formality to bounce Sam out, telling him that he had lost the fans, played boring football and had no style. Trouble is, he gave Sam the opportunity to put forward his case as to why he should keep his job – and he did, pointing out that he had achieved all the objectives in his contract. Dave was gobsmacked when at the end of it all David Rumpybum said,

"He’s got a point you know. This is a business after all."

They then went at it hammer (sorry) and tongs through gritted teeth whilst Sam sat there at the end of the long oak dining table barely suppressing the grin on his face or the twinkle in his eye.

They eventually got round to asking me what I thought, which was the best thing they had done all morning. After all, it is well known that my female brain is much clearer than either of theirs and is the main reason for our continued financial and on field success. I think I saved the day by suggesting this was such an important issue we should convene a meeting of the full East End Cockneys board at some point in the next couple of weeks.

Throwofthedyce stood up and exited stage left without another word, the smile fixed on his face. He drove off down the gravel drive and in the direction of Fulham.